Saturday, 9 August 2014

Meet you in my dreams

My son I cried for you today but only for a while. 
Must stop, must wipe away my tears, must hide behind my smile
People will not understand, they'll never feel my pain
No one knows what it feels like to not see you again
Must work, must cook, must wash my hair
Must live,but live without you there 
No time to think, no moment spared
No memories, no feelings shared
No one will know how I must feel
No one can say how I must heal
No time to think I'm rambling on
No time to think about my son
Be the boss, be mom, be the loving wife
Wheres time to mourn about your life
But look the moon comes drawing near, 
It's time! My time is finally here!
Sleep tight, I tuck my kids in bed
I say a prayer, I clear my head
My time is here,nighttime has come
It's time to dream about my son


Friday, 20 June 2014

A story about a mothers loss of her stillborn

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2013/11/motherhood-mondays-i-had-stillborn-baby.html?m=1

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

The Mazlow Hotel

Last year September I was booked for my birthday at the Mazlow in Sandton, johannesburg. A very modern and fancy hotel and Africology spa. I had just come out of hospital with bleeding and since the doctor said the bleeding was going to happen, I figured I booked the hotel, so I may as well rest there then home. On my way I started bleeding uncontrollably. Clots the size of baseballs. We stopped on the road to call the dr and dr said it's fine... Fine? Well he said if it's life threatening I should come back. Seemed pretty life threatening to me. But I guess that's what happens with complete placenta previa. It was so awkward and embarrassing. I remember we had to stop at fourways mall. Cover myself with a jacket. I was so embarrassed. I got a pants at woolworths and walked fast to the rest room. As I sat, more baseball sized clots... I sat for a while until I could move again. It felt like we were taking forever to reach the hotel. 

I walked in the Mazlow with my head high. My face pale. I smiled as if I'm happy and prayed our check in would go smoothly. It's funny how we can just smile and no one knows what you are actually going through.

I spent the weekend in bed at the hotel. Atleast I had a chance to have a facial at the Africology spa in the hotel. It was a bit awkward, but I just needed to be at a place of peace. By this time too, the bleeding had subsided. I was just overwhelmed and sad at the circumstance. 

This weekend that past, Father's Day June 14,we booked at the same place. I didn't know how I would feel. I walked in the room and felt a sad familiarity. I remembered the shower. I remember the bath my husband soaked my pants in. I remembered the bed I layed in to recover.

 Then I remembered my son died. I wanted to go back to that sad September day. The day my sons heart still beat in my womb. 

But I took the weekend to make good memories rather. I had myself a full body massage at the wonderful Africology spa. Spent time with my husband and kids. 

I smiled. This time not pretending to he happy. Just... Being happy. Appreciating life and family. 





Friday, 2 May 2014

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL...

I went to a funeral last Saturday of a good man. It was so nice, his 5 kids sang as a dedication to him. I haven't seen that before. A really beautiful celebration of his life. It was special and difficult for me as the same time. It brought back pain and sadness I had been holding on to. I guess I will always have those moments. But... I'm so blessed that those moments are just that... Moments, and then God strengthens me again and I can move on and be happy again

The Pastor had a short and sweet message and spoke about a man that lost so much, then wrote a song during the loss. I decided to research it and found his story:

This story touched my heart so much, because I lost my son. Because I could have been worse than what I am right now. Because I could have gone the other way. I could have mourned as someone without HOPE. I could have been depressed. I could have given up. But I'm so so so thankful today to say that even though my ship sails through storms, even though I mourn, even though I lost my son, a part of me... Thank God IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.

Horatio G. Spafford: The Story Behind the Hymn "It is Well with My Soul"

"Saved Alone. What Shall I Do..."

In the late 1860s life was good for Horatio G. Spafford and his wife Anna. They were living in a north side suburb of Chicago with their five children, Annie, Maggie, Bessie, Tanetta and Horatio, Jr. He had a successful law practice in Chicago. The doors of the Spaffords' home were always open as a place for activists to meet during the reform movements of the time. Horatio G. Spafford was quite active in the abolitionist movement. Frances E. Willard, president of the National Women's Christian Temperance Union as well as evangelical leaders like Dwight L. Moody were often guests in their home. Spafford was a Presbyterian church elder and a dedicated Christian. Until now Horatio and Anna Spafford had led a charmed life. They had everything going their way. However, in 1870 their faith was tested by tragedy. Their four year old son, Horatio, Jr., died of scarlet fever. The Spaffords were devastated. In October of 1871 when the Great Chicago Fire broke out Horatio faced another test of his faith. A few months before the Great Chicago Fire, Spafford being a wealthy man, had invested much of his wealth in real estate by the shore of Lake Michigan. Not only did the Great Chicago Fire destroy most of Chicago but most of Spafford's holdings were destroyed. 250 people died in the Great Chicago Fire and 90,000 were left homeless.
The Spaffords did not despair. Their home had been spared and they had their family. God had been good. Even though their finances were mostly depleted, Anna and Horatio used what resources they had left to feed the hungry, help the homeless, care for the sick and injured and comfort their grief stricken neighbors. The Great Chicago Fire was a great American tragedy; the Spaffords used it to show the love of the Christ to those in need.
In 1873 Anna Spafford's health was failing and hoping to put behind the tragic loss of their son and the fire and to benefit Anna's health, the Spaffords planned a trip to Europe. They would sail on the French steamer Ville du Havre to Europe with their four daughters. Spafford not only wanted to visit Europe but he wanted to assist Evangelists Dwight L. Moody and Ira D. Sankey in a revival they were conducting in England.
Moody and Sankey had met at a convention of the Young Men's Christian Association in Indianapolis in 1870. After hearing Sankey sing, Moody at once invited him to come to Chicago and assist him in his evangelist work there. Ira D. Sankey considered Moody's invitation and after much thought and prayer, decided to accept. Six months later he joined Moody in Chicago.
Dwight L. Moody and Ira Sankey were in the middle of a revival meeting when the Great Chicago Fire broke out in 1871. Moody and Sankey barely escaped Chicago with their lives. It is said that Sankey was on a row boat a long distance out in Lake Michigan where he watched as Chicago burned. With most of Chicago having been destroyed, Moody and Sankey decided to accept an invitation to visit England. In 1873 Moody and Sankey started a work in England. Moody and Sankey made such a profound impression in England their names became household words all over Europe.
The Spaffords planed to leave in November on their voyage to Europe. As sometimes happens, God had other plans for Horatio G. Spafford. The day they were to sail for Europe Spafford had a business emergency and could not leave. Not wanting to disappoint his wife Anna and their daughters he sent them on ahead and planned to follow on another ship in a few days. Accompanying Anna Spafford were her French governess, Emma Lorriaux, several friends and several ministers.
On November 22, 1873 the steamer Ville du Havre was struck by a British iron sailing ship, the Lockhearn. The steamer Ville du Havre, with Anna Spafford and her daughters aboard, sank within twelve minutes in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Only 81 of the 307 passengers and crew members survived this tragic shipwreck.
Even though the Lockhearn was in danger of sinking the unconscious Anna Spafford was picked up from floating debris by the crew of the Lockhearn. An American cargo sailing vessel, the Trimountain, arrived in time to save the survivors of the Ville du Havre and the Lockhearn. Anna Spafford was taken to Cardiff, Wales where she telegraphed her husband Horatio. Anna's cable was brief and heartbreaking, "Saved alone. What shall I do..." Horatio and Anna's four daughters had drowned. As soon as he received Anna's telegram, Horatio left Chicago without delay to bring his wife home. Sailing across the Atlantic Ocean the captain of the ship called Horatio to the bridge. He informed Horatio that "A careful reckoning has been made and I believe we are now passing the place where the Ville du Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep." That night, alone in his cabin Horatio G. Spafford penned the words to his famous hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." Horatio's faith in God never faltered. He later wrote Anna's half-sister, "On Thursday last we passed over the spot where she went down, in mid-ocean, the waters three miles deep. But I do not think of our dear ones there. They are safe, folded, the dear lambs."
The following account is taken from the Christian History Institute.
"Anna Spafford later spoke of being sucked violently downward. Baby Tanetta was torn from her arms by a collision with some heavy debris, with a blow so violent that Anna's arm was severely bruised. She flailed at the water trying to catch her baby. Anna caught Tanetta's gown for just a moment before another smashing blow tore the little girl out of her arms forever. Reaching out again, all she could find was a man's leg in corduroy trousers. Anna, barely conscious, was then swirled about in a whirlpool before surfacing near the Loch Earn. She instinctively clung on to a small plank and the next thing she recalled was the splash of an oar as she lay at the bottom of a small boat. Bruised and sick, her long hair was matted with salt and her dressing gown shredded. But the pain in her body was nothing compared to the pain in her heart as she realized that her four daughters had been lost in the disaster. A young male passenger, afloat on a piece of wood, came upon Maggie and Annie, the two oldest Spafford children. At his direction, each girl grasped one of his side pockets as he tried to find a board large enough to support all three of them. After about 30 or 40 minutes in the water, he found a piece of wreckage and struggled to help the two young girls climb atop the board. But as he watched, their weary arms weakened, and he saw their eyes close. Their lifeless forms floated away from his own fatigue-paralyzed arms. No clues ever surfaced about the fate of little Bessie."
After Anna was rescued, Pastor Nathaniel Weiss, one of the ministers traveling with Anna and Horatio's group remembered hearing Anna say, "God gave me four daughters. Now they have been taken from me. Someday I will understand why." Anna was utterly devastated. Many of the survivors watched Anna closely, fearing she may try to take her life. In her grief and despair, Anna heard a soft voice speaking to her, "You were saved for a purpose!" It was then Anna remembered something a friend had once said, "It's easy to be grateful and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God."
Following their reunion in Europe, Horatio and Anna returned to Chicago to begin their lives again. God blessed Anna and Horatio with three children. They had a son in 1876, again called "Horatio." Not so much for his father but for their lost son. In 1878 their daughter Bertha was born. Tragically, when little Horatio reached the age of 4 just as his brother before him, he died from scarlet fever. In 1880 Anna and Horatio had another daughter they called Grace. After the loss of little Horatio, the Spaffords decided to leave their home in America and settle in Jerusalem. In September of 1881 the Spaffords and a few of their friends left America for Israel.
The group settled in the old part of Jerusalem and started a work which later became known as the "American Colony." There they served the needy, helped the poor, cared for the sick and took in homeless children. Their only cause was to show those living about them the love of Jesus. Swedish novelist Selma Ottiliana Lovisa Lagerlõf wrote of this colony of Christians in her two volume Nobel Prize winning work "Jerusalem."
A Christian historian wrote of Anna and Horatio: "Moved by a series of profound tragic losses, Chicago natives Anna and Horatio Spafford led a small American contingent in 1881 to Jerusalem to form a Christian utopian society known as the 'American Colony.'"
Bertha Spafford Vester, wrote the following in her book "Our Jerusalem."
"In Chicago, Father searched his life for explanation. Until now, it had flowed gently as a river. Spiritual peace and worldly security had sustained his early years, his family life and his home....... All around him people were asking the unvoiced question; 'What guilt had brought this sweeping tragedy to Anna and Hoaratio Spafford?'.... Father became convinced that God was kind and that he would see his children again in heaven. This thought calmed his heart, but it was to bring Father into open conflict with what was then the Christian world.... To Father, this was a passing through the "valley of the shadow of death," but his faith came through triumphant and strong. On the high seas, near the place where his children perished, he wrote the hymn that was to give comfort to so many:"
It Is Well With My Soul
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
(refrain)
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(refrain)
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
In 1876 P.P. Bliss put Horatio Spafford's words to music. This hymn is still sung in Protestant churches today. "It Is Well With My Soul" was first sung in public by P.P. Bliss on November 24, 1876 before an assembly of ministers hosted by Dwight L. Moody in Chicago's Farewell Hall. Ironically, one month later, P.P. Bliss and his wife were killed in a horrific train wreck. It is believed that Horatio took the words "It is well" from the words of the Shunammite woman who lost her only son but was later raised from the dead by Elisha. (II Kings 4:26 )
Horatio G. Spafford was born on October 20, 1828 in Lansingburgh, New York and died of Malaria on October 16, 1888 in Jerusalem. Anna Spafford continued to work in the surrounding areas of Jerusalem until her death in 1923. The Spaffords were laid to eternal rest in Jerusalem. It can be said that "It Is Well With Their Souls."

 

Thursday, 10 April 2014

A Tribute to you son...

 


Today I said goodbye to you I couldn't say hello.
The love I felt inside my heart I guess you'll never know
I fought the fight I tried my best
But realized that God knows best
I seen your face, I touched your hand
But now you're in Gods promised land.
Your little smile I will never see
But God has come to set you free
So I say farewell son, with all my love
One day we'll meet in Heaven above. ...


Cayde Christian
Born 14 December 2013
Died 14 December 2013

                                                                            Written 14th December 2014

Where do we go from here

Where have I been? I feel like a year has come and gone and I don't know where I was through that year. I know I was pregnant, and Im trying to piece my life during that time. Where have I been?

Although as trauma does, I cant remember some things. Although Im still trying to piece the puzzle, one thing I can say is that Jesus has been my refuge and strength. My fortress in my time of trouble.

I cant believe its been 4 months already since my son was taken from me. Today is my due date 10 April 2014. Its obviously a sad sad day. I'm happy that God has strengthened me beyond measure and I am still able to be a good wife, mother, sister, friend, motivator etc.

I feel as if as today is the due date, its more final. I have to decide where to go from here. All I know is that God will lead and he will restore what has been lost 100 fold. That is His promise.

Watch this space...