Sunday, 14 December 2014

One year

Loss: failure to keep or to continue to have something

: the experience of having something taken from you or destroyed

I can truly say I have loss. I failed to keep something. I tried so hard to keep my child. I truly feel something has been taken or destroyed. 

I can say time heals. But I know the hole where he is supposed to be in my heart will never be filled. I still cry sometimes. From nowhere. Baby showers and births are hard for me sometimes. I'm happy for the mother. I'm just sad for me. 

I live a good life. I'm grateful that I have life. A great family and that God spared me to be able to spend my days with them. 

I think it's too soon to understand what the plan is for me. I believe in the word :" God turns all things to good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose."

It's not easy. I miss my child. I wined how he would have looked. What eye colour he would've had. His smile and what would have made him laugh. I crave for my son to be here with us. 

Loss is not easy to understand. It's not easy to go through. But that's just it, we have to go through it, and in the best we we know how. No one can tell you how. 

My son Cayde, today on the anniversary of your loss, I want to tell you I miss u. I love you and wish you were here. I pray God restores us 100 times more for what we have lost. Take care Cayde Christian. Today I celebrate you. 

Sunday, 7 December 2014


Hey Cayde Christian. I'm thinking about you a lot at this time of year nearing the time I lost you. I love you. Kisses and hugs son 


Heaven Lyrics

I fought for you
The hardest, it made me the strongest
So tell me your secrets
I just can't stand to see you leaving
But heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you
Heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you
So go on, go home
We laughed at the darkness
So scared that we lost it
We stood on the ceilings
You showed me love was all you needed
Heaven couldn't wait for you
Heaven couldn't wait for you
Heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you, no
Heaven couldn't wait for you
No heaven couldn't wait for you, oh
Heaven couldn't wait for you
So go on, go home

Read more: Beyonce - Heaven Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Friday, 12 September 2014

What NOT to say to someone who has lost a baby

I found a blog. So important. So true. What you should and shouldn't say to a couple who have lost a baby. I wish people around me could have read and can now read this.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Meet you in my dreams

My son I cried for you today but only for a while. 
Must stop, must wipe away my tears, must hide behind my smile
People will not understand, they'll never feel my pain
No one knows what it feels like to not see you again
Must work, must cook, must wash my hair
Must live,but live without you there 
No time to think, no moment spared
No memories, no feelings shared
No one will know how I must feel
No one can say how I must heal
No time to think I'm rambling on
No time to think about my son
Be the boss, be mom, be the loving wife
Wheres time to mourn about your life
But look the moon comes drawing near, 
It's time! My time is finally here!
Sleep tight, I tuck my kids in bed
I say a prayer, I clear my head
My time is here,nighttime has come
It's time to dream about my son

Friday, 20 June 2014

A story about a mothers loss of her stillborn

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

The Mazlow Hotel

Last year September I was booked for my birthday at the Mazlow in Sandton, johannesburg. A very modern and fancy hotel and Africology spa. I had just come out of hospital with bleeding and since the doctor said the bleeding was going to happen, I figured I booked the hotel, so I may as well rest there then home. On my way I started bleeding uncontrollably. Clots the size of baseballs. We stopped on the road to call the dr and dr said it's fine... Fine? Well he said if it's life threatening I should come back. Seemed pretty life threatening to me. But I guess that's what happens with complete placenta previa. It was so awkward and embarrassing. I remember we had to stop at fourways mall. Cover myself with a jacket. I was so embarrassed. I got a pants at woolworths and walked fast to the rest room. As I sat, more baseball sized clots... I sat for a while until I could move again. It felt like we were taking forever to reach the hotel. 

I walked in the Mazlow with my head high. My face pale. I smiled as if I'm happy and prayed our check in would go smoothly. It's funny how we can just smile and no one knows what you are actually going through.

I spent the weekend in bed at the hotel. Atleast I had a chance to have a facial at the Africology spa in the hotel. It was a bit awkward, but I just needed to be at a place of peace. By this time too, the bleeding had subsided. I was just overwhelmed and sad at the circumstance. 

This weekend that past, Father's Day June 14,we booked at the same place. I didn't know how I would feel. I walked in the room and felt a sad familiarity. I remembered the shower. I remember the bath my husband soaked my pants in. I remembered the bed I layed in to recover.

 Then I remembered my son died. I wanted to go back to that sad September day. The day my sons heart still beat in my womb. 

But I took the weekend to make good memories rather. I had myself a full body massage at the wonderful Africology spa. Spent time with my husband and kids. 

I smiled. This time not pretending to he happy. Just... Being happy. Appreciating life and family.