Friday, 12 August 2016

The end of this chapter is only the beginning...

Where do I begin after all this heartache. So many posts of loss and sadness. But I think somewhere in all those posts was HOPE. I never lost hope in Gods plan for my family. 

I remember from the first moment they took my son from my arms, lifeless, I knew I still wanted to have another child. But if you're following my blog, you will remember that I had a hysterectomy. I remember the most important thing I wanted to know from my Dr is whether I still had my ovaries. I wasn't sure what I was going to do and where to start, but I just wanted to try again... With a surrogate. 

My Dr was so negative telling me having another child would not replace the void in my heart. I didn't want his judgement though because he didn't understand. 

I wanted to grow my family and I had faith that anything is possible and my destiny is as limited as my mind chose to be. 

In no way could I ever replace my son Cayde, and that was never my intention. But I heard from so many women that the emptiness they felt in their hearts when they lost a child, diminished significantly when they had another child. So if they could have the chance to have another child, why couldn't I?

I must say that it wasn't easy. The process of surrogacy is not easy. You need a lawyer and a someone really selfless that would give up their time & bodies to help you. It took a long time and a lot of wrong roads. Until finally someone right under my nose offered to be my Surrogate. I kept telling her that she didn't realize the sacrifice and I kept brushing her off. But she would keep offering to be my surrogate. One day she asked if I was ready and I asked if she was and finally decided to go ahead. It was a long road to get a lawyer Adelle Van Der Walt who specializes in surrogacy agreements to get a court order approved from the high court. Only once that was done, could we start the fertility process. 

My surrogate was awesome. She was easy and chilled. Finally on the second attempt she was pregnant. January 2016. After 3 years of pain. 

It hasn't been an easy road. But it's finally here. I'm expecting a son. My own flesh and blood!!! I can feel the sadness melt away. In no way is this a replacement for my son who died. But that life has been restored to a dead situation๐ŸŒบ

I am in awe of God and that His promises are yes and Amen! Since December 2013 when I lost my son a verse sticks in my mind daily:
Faith is bein sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. 

How profound is this verse which encouraged me daily to keep trusting the God of miracles. The God who let manner rain from the Heavens and opened the Red Sea for His people to walk through it. 

In no way am I a great Christian. I fall short every day. I'm an average woman...with Faith. I believe in a God that does impossible things and that's what he did for me... Gave a baron woman the chance to fulfil her plan for a bigger family. 

I have no idea where the road leads and what the future holds for me. I know I will be ridiculed and some may think this is taboo, but I know that the joy and love I will feel for this little human when I hold him in my arms will surpass anything the world throws. 

So where ever the road my lead and whatever path I take I pray God will continue to guide me and I thank him for restoring me and my family in Jesus name. 

My blog is my heart and expressed all I went though as a mom who lost her son. I wanted people to know what I went though so in anyway even if I helped one person, my blog would be worth it. 
So I truly hope even in the smallest way I helped someone out there wherever you may be.

Although for me this is the end of a chapter... It is also just the beginning of a brand new chapter... ☺️๐ŸŒบ



Monday, 14 December 2015

14 December, my blessing, my curse

If today were 14 December 2013, I would be wheeled into theatre about 5am. I would turn to the nurse and plead that she gives my child steroids so his organs can be boosted and his chances to live would be increased. She would tell me that he is only 23 and a half weeks and that they don't do that not resuscitate kids at that age.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would pray Psalm 91 until the meds kick in to put me to sleep.
...A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.


If today were 14 December 2013, I would wake up in ICU, I would be stitched from navel to pubic bone. I would have a waste pipe near my groin. I would have a pipe in my neck leading straight to my heart. I would be on a Morphine drip.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would open my eyes, I would turn to my husband and ask if my son was alive. My husband would say no, and I tears would fall down my face. Well that's how I can remember it. I don't remember too much due to the trauma and Morphine. Too high to realize just how bad the situation is at that moment.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would ask to see my son. The nurse would bring him wrapped in an old white plastic cloth, still covered in dry blood, unwashed, uncared for. She would lay him on my tummy left to right. He lay there with his hands in fists under his chin, his legs bent as if he were praying... My little Angel. I would take my trembling hands and brush his face with my fingers. I would say he had a bit of both my kids in him. I would say how beautiful he is. Tears would flow, but with a smile on my face. I would hear my brother and my husband cry behind me.The nurse would call other nurses to say how big he is, bigger than his age, and then... not even too much longer she would say they are understaffed and she needs to go back to Maternity Ward and take him away, and she takes him away and I will never see him again, and I would continue to fight for my life...

If this were 14 December 2014, I would wake up on an ice cold New York Morning, with the ice and city lights out my window. I would get dressed to go to one of the biggest churches in the world Hillsongs Church New York. I would be excited and sad in one. We walk about 10 blocks, my husband & I and we go in. I feel like I'm at a concert of an idol,and I'm taking pictures and video and smiling. I'm there to celebrate my life and celebrate my son. I'm there to praise a God in one of the best churches and I feel like a kid & Im proud that Jesus Christ can do that. I thank God that Im alive to experience Hillsongs and I'm in New York and Im  seeking myself up for my idol, Mariah Carey's whose Christmas concert is the next day. I thank God that although Im going through grief, I am happy and smiling, and living and seeing things so wonderful that I may not have had the chance to see... Did I mention Im from South Africa, so I was over excited for being in the States. Being at Hillsongs Church.

I stand in awe praising God through song, and I hear a song that Hillsongs have not yet even released. Im so taken by the words, and up until today, 14th December 2015, I wait for Hillsongs to release this beautiful song...

Hillsong Church Faithfullness - YouTube


"Faithfulness"
From rising sun till Kingdom come
Your faithful love is unfailing
Though shadows turn and tempests stir
Still You oh God are unchanging

Through every hour
I will recall
All my hope is Jesus

Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
I lift my eyes I won’t forget
How great Your faithfulness

When battle’s near I will not fear
Your promises are unshaken
My faith is sure of nothing more
Than Christ alone my portion

There’ll be a season
For joy and weeping
In everything our God is faithful
His arms are open
I will come running
Now and always our God is faithful

How absolutely appropriate for God to allow me to hear those words in a new song specially just written for Hillsongs, and not even released yet, and my small ears get to hear this comforting words as I lift my eyes to the Heavens, I feel like God sent that song written just for me and I'm comforted...
I leave there to meet my family in the City & they're in All Star sneaker store,  and I get big hugs from them, and then I shop, my kids want everything, but I'm happy for that because Im there to see them. I see Dash, the Kardashian store, I go to Macys, I get excited that I'm seeing Mariah Carey tomorrow for her Christmas concert, & I thank God I can live...

Today its 14 December 2015. I bravely get up for work, & I bring my 4 year old with me. I get in my car and my favourite singer... Mariah Carey is playing in the radio. (In case you didn't pick that up yet. LOL) 4 songs before work... I'm excited, she's coming to South Africa 2016. I whatsapp my brother excitedly and tell him he better book for us. So exciting!!! Then, I reach work and Im fine... and then... I'm not. I cry for a while on my youngest brothers shoulders, but then I wipe my tears, & I go on with work to distract me. I have lunch with my other brother & we talk about general things. My daughter falls asleep and I get to write this on my blog. You see I'm taking my child to the neurologist. She goes for 3 monthly check ups. She's a normal beautiful little girl who just so happened to have some seizures starting from the same time I was pregnant and had Placenta Previa. I guess why I'm telling you this only now is to show you, that life is never easy. If it wasn't easy back then, if I wasn't in the hospital with my bad Placenta Previa, she was in the hospital with seizures. But such is life.You have good times and bad, sad times and happy times. I can say so much to you about what I have been though, and I will probably still later on as I blog, but there is a saying I love:

“Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles.” 

So I close off today, its 1:55pm, but I have the rest of the day left, and it may be ok, or it may not be. I may laugh, I may cry.But I'm fine with it, either way. At least I can admit to dealing with my grief in my time & in my way. I don't need to hide it, even if people don't understand. Lets see how the rest of the day goes. But as I hear my 4 year old sing behind me, the song boom clap the weird song by Charlie xcx... I know that I am blessed.
Light & love people

Saturday, 12 December 2015

Death where is your sting...

So this time of year I feel more. I remember more. I miss my son more. 2 more days to the 2nd anniversary of my loss. I cannot express more how blessed I am. I have a good life and a great family. I have 2 kids. I laugh. I love. I live. I travel. Then I have a moment. Anything can trigger it. Then I cry. There's a sadness in my heart. Then the moment passes. Then I am ok again. Back to a good blessed life. The thing with grief is we don't understand much of it. There's no set time frame that grief has. There's no formula you can follow. But the fact that it's a moment I have and it passes and I can live a good life is a good sign. I continue to have faith in my God of impossibilities.

When you loose a child by miscarriage, interrupted pregnancy or stillbirth people don't always allow you to speak about it too much and don't support you through your pain. If a family member passes and you talk about that person, it's ok. You can cry for a long time, its ok.You can speak about a memory you have. But when you talk about this child that no one knows but you, there's this taboo, this awkwardness. They expect you to get over it. So you just keep it to yourself. You see unless someone has lost a child themselves only then can they understand. The fact is,you do know that child. From the time God formed him/her in your womb. You know that child. You bond with that child. You had hopes and dreams for that child. 
Sometimes I wish people spoke more about their loss instead of keeping it inside. I read about a lady who was balling her eyes out 30 years and 2 sons later. She said from the day she left the hospital her and her husband didn't utter a word about the son they lost. She said her sons don't even know they had a brother. ( From the book: I Will Carry You by Angie Smith)
How can we heal if we don't talk. 

Some people ask if I will try to have a child again. Sometimes I say yes I will. Sometimes, if I'm up to it, I will tell them I had a hysterectomy. But saying that, people pity me more. Which I don't like, so I prefer to say the former.But the fact of the matter is, I did have a hysterectomy. So I mourn that too. The fact that other ladies, if they wanted to, could try again... But not me. So I mourn for 2 losses. My womb and my son. I know I will continue to have my moments, and I must say I appreciate them. I don't mind them at all. Sad or not, because it's a reminder that sometime not too long ago I had a son named Cayde. 

When I lost my son, my sister in law brought me a book. On each page it has the Hebrews verse :" Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see". From that day, up until this day 12/12/15, this verse remains ingrained in my mind. I will always believe in more than I can see and touch. Trusting in His plan for my life. I know it's one to glorify His name. 
I continue to know that his promises remain yes and Amen. 

 



Friday, 4 September 2015

Dedication to You Cayde ๐Ÿ’

Download "I Will Carry You (A…" Ringtone
"I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)"

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness

But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says?

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Friday, 12 June 2015

Dec 2013, vs June 12 2015

It's been a journey. For real. It's not perfect. In fact it's a keloid scar. That is a raised scar that doesn't heal well. It used to be embarrassing. But now I'm starting to show it as part of my battle scars. ๐Ÿ˜œ maybe one day I will do something, if it's not too compromising. But for now it's me. Sometimes it's a reminder that one day a while ago, I almost had a son and lost him. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ๐Ÿ’œ. As part of my journey of loosing my son to placenta previa complete, I had to show my scars to you out there. More information to help you. It was only after the operation that the dr informed me that if he knew it would be keloid he could have done something different to prevent it. So ensure they give you the facts. Anyway,  Love and light ๐ŸŒบ

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Sunday, 14 December 2014

One year

Loss: failure to keep or to continue to have something
: the experience of having something taken from you or destroyed

I can truly say I have loss. I failed to keep something. I tried so hard to keep my child. I truly feel something has been taken or destroyed. 

I can say time heals. But I know the hole where he is supposed to be in my heart will never be filled. I still cry sometimes. From nowhere. Baby showers and births are hard for me sometimes. I'm happy for the mother. I'm just sad for me. 

I live a good life. I'm grateful that I have life. A great family and that God spared me to be able to spend my days with them. 

I think it's too soon to understand what the plan is for me. I believe in the word :" God turns all things to good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose."

It's not easy. I miss my child. I wonder how he would have looked. What eye colour he would've had. His smile and what would have made him laugh. I crave for my son to be here with us. 

Loss is not easy to understand. It's not easy to go through. But that's just it, we have to go through it, and in the best way we  know how. No one can tell you how. 

My son Cayde, today on the anniversary me loosing you, I want to tell you I miss u. I love you and wish you were here. I pray God restores us 100 times more for what we have lost. Take care Cayde Christian. Today I celebrate you.