Death where is your sting...

So this time of year I feel more. I remember more. I miss my son more. 2 more days to the 2nd anniversary of my loss. I cannot express more how blessed I am. I have a good life and a great family. I have 2 kids. I laugh. I love. I live. I travel. Then I have a moment. Anything can trigger it. Then I cry. There's a sadness in my heart. Then the moment passes. Then I am ok again. Back to a good blessed life. The thing with grief is we don't understand much of it. There's no set time frame that grief has. There's no formula you can follow. But the fact that it's a moment I have and it passes and I can live a good life is a good sign. I continue to have faith in my God of impossibilities.

When you loose a child by miscarriage, interrupted pregnancy or stillbirth people don't always allow you to speak about it too much and don't support you through your pain. If a family member passes and you talk about that person, it's ok. You can cry for a long time, its ok.You can speak about a memory you have. But when you talk about this child that no one knows but you, there's this taboo, this awkwardness. They expect you to get over it. So you just keep it to yourself. You see unless someone has lost a child themselves only then can they understand. The fact is,you do know that child. From the time God formed him/her in your womb. You know that child. You bond with that child. You had hopes and dreams for that child. 

Sometimes I wish people spoke more about their loss instead of keeping it inside. I read about a lady who was balling her eyes out 30 years and 2 sons later. She said from the day she left the hospital her and her husband didn't utter a word about the son they lost. She said her sons don't even know they had a brother. ( From the book: I Will Carry You by Angie Smith)

How can we heal if we don't talk. 

Some people ask if I will try to have a child again. Sometimes I say yes I will. Sometimes, if I'm up to it, I will tell them I had a hysterectomy. But saying that, people pity me more. Which I don't like, so I prefer to say the former.But the fact of the matter is, I did have a hysterectomy. So I mourn that too. The fact that other ladies, if they wanted to, could try again... But not me. So I mourn for 2 losses. My womb and my son. I know I will continue to have my moments, and I must say I appreciate them. I don't mind them at all. Sad or not, because it's a reminder that sometime not too long ago I had a son named Cayde. 

When I lost my son, my sister in law brought me a book. On each page it has the Hebrews verse :" Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see". From that day, up until this day 12/12/15, this verse remains ingrained in my mind. I will always believe in more than I can see and touch. Trusting in His plan for my life. I know it's one to glorify His name. 

I continue to know that his promises remain yes and Amen.