I remember from the first moment they took my son from my arms, lifeless, I knew I still wanted to have another child. But if you're following my blog, you will remember that I had a hysterectomy. I remember the most important thing I wanted to know from my Dr is whether I still had my ovaries. I wasn't sure what I was going to do and where to start, but I just wanted to try again... With a surrogate.
My Dr was so negative telling me having another child would not replace the void in my heart. I didn't want his judgement though because he didn't understand.
I wanted to grow my family and I had faith that anything is possible and my destiny is as limited as my mind chose to be.
In no way could I ever replace my son Cayde, and that was never my intention. But I heard from so many women that the emptiness they felt in their hearts when they lost a child, diminished significantly when they had another child. So if they could have the chance to have another child, why couldn't I?
I must say that it wasn't easy. The process of surrogacy is not easy. You need a lawyer and a someone really selfless that would give up their time & bodies to help you. It took a long time and a lot of wrong roads. Until finally someone right under my nose offered to be my Surrogate. I kept telling her that she didn't realize the sacrifice and I kept brushing her off. But she would keep offering to be my surrogate. One day she asked if I was ready and I asked if she was and finally decided to go ahead. It was a long road to get a lawyer Adelle Van Der Walt who specializes in surrogacy agreements to get a court order approved from the high court. Only once that was done, could we start the fertility process.
My surrogate was awesome. She was easy and chilled. Finally on the second attempt she was pregnant. January 2016. After 3 years of pain.
It hasn't been an easy road. But it's finally here. I'm expecting a son. My own flesh and blood!!! I can feel the sadness melt away. In no way is this a replacement for my son who died. But that life has been restored to a dead situation🌺
I am in awe of God and that His promises are yes and Amen! Since December 2013 when I lost my son a verse sticks in my mind daily:
Faith is bein sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.
How profound is this verse which encouraged me daily to keep trusting the God of miracles. The God who let manner rain from the Heavens and opened the Red Sea for His people to walk through it.
In no way am I a great Christian. I fall short every day. I'm an average woman...with Faith. I believe in a God that does impossible things and that's what he did for me... Gave a baron woman the chance to fulfil her plan for a bigger family.
I have no idea where the road leads and what the future holds for me. I know I will be ridiculed and some may think this is taboo, but I know that the joy and love I will feel for this little human when I hold him in my arms will surpass anything the world throws.
So where ever the road my lead and whatever path I take I pray God will continue to guide me and I thank him for restoring me and my family in Jesus name.
My blog is my heart and expressed all I went though as a mom who lost her son. I wanted people to know what I went though so in anyway even if I helped one person, my blog would be worth it.
So I truly hope even in the smallest way I helped someone out there wherever you may be.
Although for me this is the end of a chapter... It is also just the beginning of a brand new chapter... ☺️🌺
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