14 December, my blessing, my curse

If today were 14 December 2013, I would be wheeled into theatre about 5am. I would turn to the nurse and plead that she gives my child steroids so his organs can be boosted and his chances to live would be increased. She would tell me that he is only 23 and a half weeks and that they don't do that not resuscitate kids at that age.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would pray Psalm 91 until the meds kick in to put me to sleep.
...A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would wake up in ICU, I would be stitched from navel to pubic bone. I would have a waste pipe near my groin. I would have a pipe in my neck leading straight to my heart. I would be on a Morphine drip.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would open my eyes, I would turn to my husband and ask if my son was alive. My husband would say no, and I tears would fall down my face. Well that's how I can remember it. I don't remember too much due to the trauma and Morphine. Too high to realize just how bad the situation is at that moment.

If today were 14 December 2013, I would ask to see my son. The nurse would bring him wrapped in an old white plastic cloth, still covered in dry blood, unwashed, uncared for. She would lay him on my tummy left to right. He lay there with his hands in fists under his chin, his legs bent as if he were praying... My little Angel. I would take my trembling hands and brush his face with my fingers. I would say he had a bit of both my kids in him. I would say how beautiful he is. Tears would flow, but with a smile on my face. I would hear my brother and my husband cry behind me.The nurse would call other nurses to say how big he is, bigger than his age, and then... not even too much longer she would say they are understaffed and she needs to go back to Maternity Ward and take him away, and she takes him away and I will never see him again, and I would continue to fight for my life...

If this were 14 December 2014, I would wake up on an ice cold New York Morning, with the ice and city lights out my window. I would get dressed to go to one of the biggest churches in the world Hillsongs Church New York. I would be excited and sad in one. We walk about 10 blocks, my husband & I and we go in. I feel like I'm at a concert of an idol,and I'm taking pictures and video and smiling. I'm there to celebrate my life and celebrate my son. I'm there to praise a God in one of the best churches and I feel like a kid & Im proud that Jesus Christ can do that. I thank God that Im alive to experience Hillsongs and I'm in New York and Im  seeking myself up for my idol, Mariah Carey's whose Christmas concert is the next day. I thank God that although Im going through grief, I am happy and smiling, and living and seeing things so wonderful that I may not have had the chance to see... Did I mention Im from South Africa, so I was over excited for being in the States. Being at Hillsongs Church.

I stand in awe praising God through song, and I hear a song that Hillsongs have not yet even released. Im so taken by the words, and up until today, 14th December 2015, I wait for Hillsongs to release this beautiful song...

Hillsong Church Faithfullness - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tQrVQW2lC0

"Faithfulness"

From rising sun till Kingdom come
Your faithful love is unfailing
Though shadows turn and tempests stir
Still You oh God are unchanging

Through every hour
I will recall
All my hope is Jesus

Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
I lift my eyes I won’t forget
How great Your faithfulness

When battle’s near I will not fear
Your promises are unshaken
My faith is sure of nothing more
Than Christ alone my portion

There’ll be a season
For joy and weeping
In everything our God is faithful
His arms are open
I will come running
Now and always our God is faithful

How absolutely appropriate for God to allow me to hear those words in a new song specially just written for Hillsongs, and not even released yet, and my small ears get to hear this comforting words as I lift my eyes to the Heavens, I feel like God sent that song written just for me and I'm comforted...
I leave there to meet my family in the City & they're in All Star sneaker store,  and I get big hugs from them, and then I shop, my kids want everything, but I'm happy for that because Im there to see them. I see Dash, the Kardashian store, I go to Macys, I get excited that I'm seeing Mariah Carey tomorrow for her Christmas concert, & I thank God I can live...

Today its 14 December 2015. I bravely get up for work, & I bring my 4 year old with me. I get in my car and my favourite singer... Mariah Carey is playing in the radio. (In case you didn't pick that up yet. LOL) 4 songs before work... I'm excited, she's coming to South Africa 2016. I whatsapp my brother excitedly and tell him he better book for us. So exciting!!! Then, I reach work and Im fine... and then... I'm not. I cry for a while on my youngest brothers shoulders, but then I wipe my tears, & I go on with work to distract me. I have lunch with my other brother & we talk about general things. My daughter falls asleep and I get to write this on my blog. You see I'm taking my child to the neurologist. She goes for 3 monthly check ups. She's a normal beautiful little girl who just so happened to have some seizures starting from the same time I was pregnant and had Placenta Previa. I guess why I'm telling you this only now is to show you, that life is never easy. If it wasn't easy back then, if I wasn't in the hospital with my bad Placenta Previa, she was in the hospital with seizures. But such is life.You have good times and bad, sad times and happy times. I can say so much to you about what I have been though, and I will probably still later on as I blog, but there is a saying I love:

“Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles.” 

So I close off today, its 1:55pm, but I have the rest of the day left, and it may be ok, or it may not be. I may laugh, I may cry.But I'm fine with it, either way. At least I can admit to dealing with my grief in my time & in my way. I don't need to hide it, even if people don't understand. Lets see how the rest of the day goes. But as I hear my 4 year old sing behind me, the song boom clap the weird song by Charlie xcx... I know that I am blessed.
Light & love people

Death where is your sting...

So this time of year I feel more. I remember more. I miss my son more. 2 more days to the 2nd anniversary of my loss. I cannot express more how blessed I am. I have a good life and a great family. I have 2 kids. I laugh. I love. I live. I travel. Then I have a moment. Anything can trigger it. Then I cry. There's a sadness in my heart. Then the moment passes. Then I am ok again. Back to a good blessed life. The thing with grief is we don't understand much of it. There's no set time frame that grief has. There's no formula you can follow. But the fact that it's a moment I have and it passes and I can live a good life is a good sign. I continue to have faith in my God of impossibilities.

When you loose a child by miscarriage, interrupted pregnancy or stillbirth people don't always allow you to speak about it too much and don't support you through your pain. If a family member passes and you talk about that person, it's ok. You can cry for a long time, its ok.You can speak about a memory you have. But when you talk about this child that no one knows but you, there's this taboo, this awkwardness. They expect you to get over it. So you just keep it to yourself. You see unless someone has lost a child themselves only then can they understand. The fact is,you do know that child. From the time God formed him/her in your womb. You know that child. You bond with that child. You had hopes and dreams for that child. 

Sometimes I wish people spoke more about their loss instead of keeping it inside. I read about a lady who was balling her eyes out 30 years and 2 sons later. She said from the day she left the hospital her and her husband didn't utter a word about the son they lost. She said her sons don't even know they had a brother. ( From the book: I Will Carry You by Angie Smith)

How can we heal if we don't talk. 

Some people ask if I will try to have a child again. Sometimes I say yes I will. Sometimes, if I'm up to it, I will tell them I had a hysterectomy. But saying that, people pity me more. Which I don't like, so I prefer to say the former.But the fact of the matter is, I did have a hysterectomy. So I mourn that too. The fact that other ladies, if they wanted to, could try again... But not me. So I mourn for 2 losses. My womb and my son. I know I will continue to have my moments, and I must say I appreciate them. I don't mind them at all. Sad or not, because it's a reminder that sometime not too long ago I had a son named Cayde. 

When I lost my son, my sister in law brought me a book. On each page it has the Hebrews verse :" Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see". From that day, up until this day 12/12/15, this verse remains ingrained in my mind. I will always believe in more than I can see and touch. Trusting in His plan for my life. I know it's one to glorify His name. 

I continue to know that his promises remain yes and Amen.