A story about a mothers loss of her stillborn

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2013/11/motherhood-mondays-i-had-stillborn-baby.html?m=1

The Mazlow Hotel

Last year September I was booked for my birthday at the Mazlow in Sandton, johannesburg. A very modern and fancy hotel and Africology spa. I had just come out of hospital with bleeding and since the doctor said the bleeding was going to happen, I figured I booked the hotel, so I may as well rest there then home. On my way I started bleeding uncontrollably. Clots the size of baseballs. We stopped on the road to call the dr and dr said it's fine... Fine? Well he said if it's life threatening I should come back. Seemed pretty life threatening to me. But I guess that's what happens with complete placenta previa. It was so awkward and embarrassing. I remember we had to stop at fourways mall. Cover myself with a jacket. I was so embarrassed. I got a pants at woolworths and walked fast to the rest room. As I sat, more baseball sized clots... I sat for a while until I could move again. It felt like we were taking forever to reach the hotel. 

I walked in the Mazlow with my head high. My face pale. I smiled as if I'm happy and prayed our check in would go smoothly. It's funny how we can just smile and no one knows what you are actually going through.

I spent the weekend in bed at the hotel. Atleast I had a chance to have a facial at the Africology spa in the hotel. It was a bit awkward, but I just needed to be at a place of peace. By this time too, the bleeding had subsided. I was just overwhelmed and sad at the circumstance. 

This weekend that past, Father's Day June 14,we booked at the same place. I didn't know how I would feel. I walked in the room and felt a sad familiarity. I remembered the shower. I remember the bath my husband soaked my pants in. I remembered the bed I layed in to recover.

 Then I remembered my son died. I wanted to go back to that sad September day. The day my sons heart still beat in my womb. 

But I took the weekend to make good memories rather. I had myself a full body massage at the wonderful Africology spa. Spent time with my husband and kids. 

I smiled. This time not pretending to he happy. Just... Being happy. Appreciating life and family.